Easter weekend has come and gone.
I underestimate my emotions. Preparing for the weekend I actually thought that I would be fine. But I wasn't. Some days were ok, but today was without a doubt the worst.
I am really, really lonely today. It's Monday, the house is still empty, and who knows where my friends are. No one's called to see how I'm doing, I doubt I've even entered anyone's mind.
Within the last two days I've called a few people at home. I chatted for a bit to Mrs. Laura and her mom. Laura said that they loved me and they miss me. Laura, you have to understand, is not an emotional person. She has never told me that she loves me ever. It's just the way it is. And yet I understand that I am as loved as any member of her family. She's been my friend for seven years, and I've never been so touched.
I tell my friends that they are important and special to me quite a lot. I try to, at least. If not through words, I'll do something for them. These courtesies are rarely returned. And it's on a day like today that I really, really needed someone to tell me that they were thinking about me. Anyone. In any way.
I hate that I have to be reliant on people. I hate that I can't be independant. I hate that I can't be alone for a few days and be ok. I really do need other people to keep me happy. A phone call or a letter or a card means so much to me. Even more so because of the situation that I am in.
To anyone and everyone who is reading this: I love you, and you are important and special to me. If I have ever made you feel otherwise I apologize. If I've ever made you feel the way I feel right now, I am very sorry. Know that I care about you and my life would not be the same if you were not in it.
I'm not expecting anything for my birthday. In fact, I'm expecting everyone to forget it, just like they did last year. If you want to send me a card you can get the address from my mother. But don't worry, I'm not getting my hopes up. It's better that way so that they don't have a long way to fall.
So tonight I feel alone, lost, rejected, and unloved. I know it's not the case, but it's how I feel. I don't want to be in Vancouver, but I don't want to be here either. The only place I want to be is sitting next to someone who will let me cry on their shoulder, and who will tell me that they love me, and that everything will be alright.
Don't worry. I'm not holding my breath.
posted by Lisa @ 1:18 PM
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