I've just come across some photos that were taken with me at the airport, saying goodbye to mom and dad and leaving for England. Looking at those photos, it's amazing how clearly I remember the moments that they were taken. I remember hugging mom and crying. I remember standing next to dad for a picture and not being able to smile. I remember walking through the doors, finding my gate, and sobbing. I remember saying goodbye.
My life has been full of goodbyes. And I hate them.
Now that I've come home, I can't bear the thought that my dad won't be around. In England it was fine, because my parents weren't a part of my life there. But here at home there are ways that things are supposed to be. Us being here and him being in Ottowa is not one of those ways. He's supposed to be here, with us.
Dad got home on Wednesday. He starts his job on Monday.
I don't want to think about all the things that aren't going to happen. Who's going to bring home our Christmas tree? Will it just be mom and I decorating it? There will be no seasons pass to Grouse, no weekends at Whistler. How will things change? Will we drift apart? Will he still be the same person when he comes home?
I love my dad so much.
Tonight at dinner dad joked about leaving mom. I know it was a joke, but I hate to admit that it's one of my fears. How can a marriage stay strong when one of them is across the country? In my heart of hearts I don't believe that that will happen, but something someone said to me gnaws at the corner of my mind - she thought her parents would stay together forever too.
I can't let myself think about it. My family is all that I have.
Somehow, somehow, it will be ok.
It just doesn't feel like it right now.
posted by Lisa @ 11:27 PM
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