Dreaming with a Broken Heart
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?
Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest partAnd once again I find myself in the same spot: listening to John Mayer, writing in my journal, mending a broken heart.
He has got it spot on with this song. I find the mornings the most difficult part of my day. It's when I wake up and have to remind myself that this is my life, that this is happening to me. Every morning I have to remember, and then re-accept what has happened to me. Trevor is gone and not coming back.
The rest of the day carries on ok (some days are more ok than others) until the evening. I think about him around the time that he would be getting off work, and half expect him to come over and talk about his day. It's then that I miss him most.
It just feels so wrong without him. He was my best friend, and I miss him.
It's been almost two weeks since the breakup, and I think that I'm doing well under the circumstances.
Trevor is staying at his friends house for a few days to give my mom and I some space (mom is coming here today from Ottawa). I am surprised what a difference knowing that he's not upstairs makes. It's quite comforting, actually. I think some time in Ottawa will do wonders for me.
This is still a very surreal experience. When I wake up in the morning I have to remind myself that this is my life, that this isn't some horrible nightmare. But I still haven't grasped the enormity of the life change that will follow this breakup. Yesterday when I accidently ran into him in the driveway I was confronted with that.
I asked him to come over, though I don't know why. I looked at him and didn't have anything to say. My eyes were filling with tears - I was in such pain. He sort of half hugged me as I cried, and he kind of patted me on the back like you do when you're uncomfortable being close to the person in your arms. There was no emotion in his face. I asked him why he was so far away, and he said it was because we had broken up. After a few minutes he went inside, leaving me standing there.
It was horrible. The Trevor I know is gone, or at least closed off to me. I don't know this Trevor. I don't want to know him like this. He's like a shadow of the person that he used to be. It's like switching from wine to grape juice.
The annoying thing is that he's right. We're broken up, and that means that he can no longer be an emotional support to me. In some sense, it's probably easier this way. Though all I really wanted was reassurance from him that this would be ok, that this is the right thing, and that this is the best choice. He did deliver some amount of that, but he had closed himself off to me.
It takes a certain kind of person to be able to walk away from another in obvious pain. I certainly can't, and I hope I never will be able to.
Where is my happy ending?
Still on its way, I suppose.
Or, perhaps in the same place it always has been. Covered by grace, in the arms of my Lord.
How is the sun still shining? How are people still walking around, going about their daily business? How on earth can people be happy?
Don't they know that the world has ended?
