Trevor is staying at his friends house for a few days to give my mom and I some space (mom is coming here today from Ottawa). I am surprised what a difference knowing that he's not upstairs makes. It's quite comforting, actually. I think some time in Ottawa will do wonders for me.
This is still a very surreal experience. When I wake up in the morning I have to remind myself that this is my life, that this isn't some horrible nightmare. But I still haven't grasped the enormity of the life change that will follow this breakup. Yesterday when I accidently ran into him in the driveway I was confronted with that.
I asked him to come over, though I don't know why. I looked at him and didn't have anything to say. My eyes were filling with tears - I was in such pain. He sort of half hugged me as I cried, and he kind of patted me on the back like you do when you're uncomfortable being close to the person in your arms. There was no emotion in his face. I asked him why he was so far away, and he said it was because we had broken up. After a few minutes he went inside, leaving me standing there.
It was horrible. The Trevor I know is gone, or at least closed off to me. I don't know this Trevor. I don't want to know him like this. He's like a shadow of the person that he used to be. It's like switching from wine to grape juice.
The annoying thing is that he's right. We're broken up, and that means that he can no longer be an emotional support to me. In some sense, it's probably easier this way. Though all I really wanted was reassurance from him that this would be ok, that this is the right thing, and that this is the best choice. He did deliver some amount of that, but he had closed himself off to me.
It takes a certain kind of person to be able to walk away from another in obvious pain. I certainly can't, and I hope I never will be able to.
posted by Lisa @ 10:23 AM
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