I don't know, exactly. I do know that I'm not tired. I also know that I don't feel like sleeping. This is actually my favourite part of the day - the house is asleep, the lights are off. It's just me and the little lamp on my bedtable. Music is playing softly, and I am alone with my thoughts. It's a peaceful time.
I wonder, does the amount that I blog depend on how lonely I am feeling? The last few posts, many months apart, seem to say yes. But now I'm in a really different space. I've been in Ottawa almost a year, and I'm about to head back to Vancouver. In aproximately two and a half weeks I will be starting a new life yet again. Maybe I'll start blogging more.
The truth is that I'm scared. There, I said it. I try not to think about it. I'm not normally one to bury my emotions, but this time is different. Worrying will accomplish nothing, it only wastes time. I might as well deal with situations as they arise, right? Nothing has arisen. Not yet. But I'm still scared. Not of a particular person or thing, but of more pain. Here in Ottawa I'm far away, I'm safe. I'm awake, alone in my room, but there are people nearby. I've finally come to a place where I'm feeling happy and confident and beautiful again. But I know that the heart is a delicate thing. I've hurt so badly that I'm scared of what my new life might bring. I'm scared that the newly formed scars on my heart will break open, and that I won't be able to handle it.
I've been thinking about the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" quite a bit lately. The singer is dreaming about a place where everything is good. The clouds are far behind, and the troubles melt like lemon drops. How I wish - almost desperately - that this was me.
I remember praying to God a while ago to grant me wisdom. I wanted (and still want) to become a wise woman of God. It didn't occur to me to think about how wisdom is developed. For those of us that aren't Solomon, wisdom is gained through pain, misery, and tough times if we will allow it to develop. If I had known then what I know now, would I still have asked for it? I don't really know. People say that it'll be worth it, that I'll learn a lot and that I'll be a stronger person as a result. While that's true, it seems to imply a "it'll all be worth it in the end" sentiment. Like we can just brush off everything I've been through because good things have come. Well, I'm not ashamed to admit that I DON'T think it has been worth it. Nothing has been worth it. I'd rather have never met him than to have gone through the breakup. I would sacrifice all the good times, all the dreams, all the lessons I've learned and the courage I've found. It just hasn't been worth it. The pain has been too great, and the fruit too small (which is saying something).
Yet such is the nature of love. It is a risk, there are no guarentees. Was I wrong to give my heart to him? No. Was I a fool to trust him? I don't believe so. I have loved deeper than I knew was possible, and I don't think that was a mistake. I do believe that we are not called to live a safe, cushy life, and that fear limits us. "Live life to the fullest" and all that. But that doesn't mean that you won't end up in the negatives sometimes. It also doesn't mean that every negative experience will be worthwhile in the end. All it means is that in order to live a fulfilling life, you have to take risks sometimes. Sometimes it pans out, and sometimes it doesn't.
It's a popular idea to "live with no regrets". I don't think regrets are a bad thing, as long as you're not consumed by them. I have a few things that I wish I had never done, and that doesn't diminish the lessons that I've learned from then. It just means that, in hindsight, I know better now, and I wish I could have learned that lesson in some other way. That can, however, be balanced with a healthy approach to living. If you can't change the past, dwelling on regrets is a useless waste of energy. But to remember them and aknowledge them as mistakes, to take what you can from them while still wishing it didn't have to happen that way - I can't see that there's anything wrong with that.
posted by Lisa @ 2:07 AM
