Hello, from the sitting chair in the study of Caz and James' house! And hello from a Macbook as well - it is quite a nice laptop, I must say. Lord knows I've never been a huge mac fan, but I have to say that this one is not bad. It's so small and cute, and makes me feel artsy somehow. However, the microsoft office that they use on here really doesn't work like microsoft office at all, and I know that if I had gotten one for school it would drive me crazy.
Manchester is great. Barcelona was great. Everything is pretty much great. I've been spending loads of time with friends, going to the pub almost every night. If I'm not at the pub I'm sitting at some lovely little cafe reading or collecting my thoughts. I'm surprised that this feels completely natural. I haven't had much of a problem slipping back into my regular routine, seeing my regular friends, taking my regular bus route. It feels like normal.
I spent most of today helping my mate Mark clean the windowsills of his room. He's moving houses, you see, and the new house hasn't been cleaned properly. Or even improperly for that matter - I'm quite sure that those windows hadn't been cleaned in any way, shape, or form, for years.
I really did have a good time. Him and my other friend Juan are moving in together, and they've just recieved the keys to the flat this week.
Their moving is really making me think. As much as I try to ignore it, a feeling of sadness is steadily increasing. The truth is, I wish with all my heart that I was in their situation. I wish I was moving here, with one of my friends. But as much as I can pretend that I live here and like I'm a normal part of their lives, it's not true. When I go everyone will just get on with life as normal - minus Lisa - and who could expect them not to? it just brings into reality that this is not real. This is not my life. And no matter how much I want that to change, it's not going to.
I'm beginning to question the wisdom of my decision to visit. When I came back home to Canada, it was really difficult to adjust. A few months of being away has dulled my "separation anxiety", but now I feel like I'm back where I was in September. I didn't anticipate that this trip would bring all those feelings up again. At the same time, there's no way I wouldn't have come - it really is a blessing to be here.
Here is where I want to be. And I didn't realize it until I came back.
But this isn't where I belong, not right now. I know that I'm supposed to be in Vancouver for the next little while. And when I'm home, I have a peace that what I am doing is right.
This break has been a great time to refocus myself. To stop going full throttle, and take some time back to spend with myself. To read and write, to reflect, and to simply enjoy where I am. I feel like this trip has given me the rest that I've needed since November.
And so I'll be going back to Vancouver reluctantly, but knowing that it's the right thing to do. And when you know that you're doing what God wants you to do, it makes it a bit easier somehow.
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