I did about three quarters of my packing last night. I'm afraid I may have to buy another suitcase before I come home - I simply have too much stuff.
Today has been the day of things going wrong. I was declined for a debit card (so I can book things online) for the second time, I left my book on the bus, and I lost my new £30 sim card that I haven't even put into my phone yet. I don't understand why all these things are happening at once.
I have to mention the injustice of the bank. I am three days short of having met the amount of time necessary to be given a debit card. The reason I am three days short is because they would not give me an account in the first place. It took me a month before they would even open it for me. All I want is a stupid card so I can have easy access to MY OWN MONEY. MINE. Not theirs. Mine.
Stupid banks. I'd rather keep my money in a shoebox. The unfortunate thing is that even if I did, I would be in no better a position, and they really couldn't care less.
Anger is an odd thing. At one end it's horrible because it eats away at whomever is holding onto it. At the other it induces an odd sense of pleasure because hey, it's fun to be the victim. That being said, to live angry is no way to live.
This is what I have to be happy about: my housemates made me dinner tonight. Lasagne. We had chocolate cake and ice cream for desert, and they gave me a lovely card.
I'm not used to people - my friends, namely - doing such nice things for me. My heart just wants to sing with how much I love them. Chris even offered to hop on a plane and come and find me if I (really) need him. It's odd to have people being so nice.
My friends here pull into question the lessons that I've learned throughout life. In short, I have trust issues. Major trust issues. I have a hard time believing that people could ever want to do something nice for me just to be nice. It's not because I don't believe I'm worth it, but becaue I have very little faith in humankind.
So, naturally, I'm a bit suspicious. I have a voice in my head telling me that my friends don't actually care about me, they're just doing this because they feel they have to. People are always nice when someone is going away, the voice says, you are, after all, leaving. For all I know this could all be all superficial. When a person is leaving, you don't need substance to back anything up. They'll just be gone tomorrow.
Would you act like this if I was staying?
This is the difference that this trip has made. That vioce is smaller now. What's more, I don't believe it. I choose not to. I choose to put my faith in my friends. I choose to trust them. I choose to believe that I am loved.
posted by Lisa @ 2:21 PM
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