Today has been the best day of all. It reached thirty degrees and the sky was nerely cloudless. That is, of course, minus the white fluffy ones (cumulus clouds for those of us that are geographically minded). I couldn't be bothered to put sunscreen on, and the result is that I am a lovely shade of red.
I've been up to more than usual this week. On Wednesday I saw X-Men, which I enjoyed largely because it was filmed not only in Vancouver, but Tsawwassen as well. It was fantastic, but very odd as well. Exciting in a way.
I couldn't stop fidgiting throughout the entire thing. It's all in an attempt to stop biting my nails which, up until a few days ago, was going very well.
And I've done something with people every single night since then. Tonight I had an offer as well, but I turned it down to be here with you lovely people. I had eleven emails in my inbox, and that was only from about a week. It's nice, but it really saps a lot out of you when you have to sit on the computer for three or four hours to finish replying to them all.
Plans to go backpacking are finally starting to get rolling (I leave in three weeks). I'm going shopping for travelling stuff on Monday, which is bound to be expensive. I'm hoping that once I start getting everything together the excitement will kick in, because right now it's quite overshadowed by anxiety. And a lot of it.
In truth I'm absolutely petrified. And that far outweighs my excitement. It just all seems so impossible at the moment. I know it isn't, and I know it won't be. My head knows it, anyways. But I think my heart missed the memo.
I'm balancing on a tight emotional string at the moment. This week has been very up and down. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and am about to jump off. I've got wings, but there's no guarentee that they'll work. And if they don't, I don't think that anyone will bother to catch me.
That's a lie. Someone will catch me. I'm just not sure who.
God would. God will. He's probably just waiting for me to jump.
I'm afraid that I've been taking my instability out on other people. I feel like I'm trying to rely on people who really don't want to (or can't be) a support for me. It leaves me feeling guilty for being intensely emotional, as if it's my fault. I feel bad even writing this entry. Like I'm dumping my problems on people who don't care.
It's such a lie. Somewhere along the line I've gotten it in my head that people don't actually care about me for me, they just care because they should. Reluctantly.
In truth I'm just trying to be the best friend that I can be. The best person I can be. It seems to all go wrong far too often. I've learned in the past few days that I feel I need to earn people's love. And now that I've realized that, I'm not sure what to do about it.
So this trip is turning into what I expected it to be - a huge learning expirience. I've learned a lot so far, but I'm quite far from being done. The first part was discovereing freedom. Now the second part will be spent on becoming emotionally strong again (was I ever?), on establishing a firm foundation on which I can stand. It's all a bit shaky at the moment. But I'm getting stronger.
This is why I'm emotional, folks. Because I've been doing way too much self discovery in too short a time. But I'm still happy. Deep down there's this joy - this joy of living, this joy of being here. And it truly is the core of my being.
I love you all.
posted by Lisa @ 3:31 PM
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