Finding Yonder

This was me, when I was ten.

posted by Lisa @ 12:11 AM

When you find out with the person that kissed you has a girlfriend and didn't tell you, how do you feel?

You feel used, to realize that he wasn't kissing you because he cared about you, it was because he wanted some action.

You feel hurt, to realize that he doesn't care about you, he cares about her.

You feel dirty, because you made out with someone's boyfriend.

You feel angry with both him and youself; him because he was dishonest, and yourself because you should have held youself to a higher standard and not have let him kiss you at all.

You feel betrayed, because you thought he was a better man than this.

But even with all those emotions, you feel relieved - you didn't sleep with him. And you feel proud of youself, because it was extremely hard to resist. And if you hadn't, you'd be feeling even worse than you do right now.

But how do you cope, knowing that someone whom you once considered your closest friend is a liar?

posted by Lisa @ 1:58 AM

Disclaimer: People at home, do not be offended in any way. This post is not a reflection on you or your friendship. I love you guys too.

Today was "Pancake Day", the day before Ash Wednesday. I ate many pancakes, along with cake and strawberries. In fact, pretty much everything that I did involved eating or drinking of some kind. And I'm pretty sure my stomach has expanded at least four inches from today alone.

Tonight Becca kindly volunteered her house as a meeting place for everyone. Most of the people there were the people that I've spent the most time with, the people that I feel closest to. We were sitting around talking and eating pancakes, and I realized that this is "it", this is what I've wanted for so long. I was so happy.

Which made it none easier to leave. I called mom on the phone after I left and just sobbed. I can't explain how much I love these people. How badly I want to stay.

And yet it feels ok. In my sadness there is also hope and peace. That's how I know I'm doing the right thing.

As of now, the packing is (mostly) done and the tears have (mostly) been cried. I'm in a kind of numb stage, where I can't really feel anything. That'll change tomorrow when I get up, and will most definitely feel very, very tired.

On the plus side, it will be nice to get back to my house, my mom, my dog, my friends. I'll be home again, as opposed to living out of a suitcase.

And so, to all you British reading this - thank you for a great time. You are all amazing, and I will see you soon.

posted by Lisa @ 3:45 PM

Hello, from the sitting chair in the study of Caz and James' house! And hello from a Macbook as well - it is quite a nice laptop, I must say. Lord knows I've never been a huge mac fan, but I have to say that this one is not bad. It's so small and cute, and makes me feel artsy somehow. However, the microsoft office that they use on here really doesn't work like microsoft office at all, and I know that if I had gotten one for school it would drive me crazy.


Manchester is great. Barcelona was great. Everything is pretty much great. I've been spending loads of time with friends, going to the pub almost every night. If I'm not at the pub I'm sitting at some lovely little cafe reading or collecting my thoughts. I'm surprised that this feels completely natural. I haven't had much of a problem slipping back into my regular routine, seeing my regular friends, taking my regular bus route. It feels like normal.

I spent most of today helping my mate Mark clean the windowsills of his room. He's moving houses, you see, and the new house hasn't been cleaned properly. Or even improperly for that matter - I'm quite sure that those windows hadn't been cleaned in any way, shape, or form, for years.

I really did have a good time. Him and my other friend Juan are moving in together, and they've just recieved the keys to the flat this week.

Their moving is really making me think. As much as I try to ignore it, a feeling of sadness is steadily increasing. The truth is, I wish with all my heart that I was in their situation. I wish I was moving here, with one of my friends. But as much as I can pretend that I live here and like I'm a normal part of their lives, it's not true. When I go everyone will just get on with life as normal - minus Lisa - and who could expect them not to? it just brings into reality that this is not real. This is not my life. And no matter how much I want that to change, it's not going to.

I'm beginning to question the wisdom of my decision to visit. When I came back home to Canada, it was really difficult to adjust. A few months of being away has dulled my "separation anxiety", but now I feel like I'm back where I was in September. I didn't anticipate that this trip would bring all those feelings up again. At the same time, there's no way I wouldn't have come - it really is a blessing to be here.

Here is where I want to be. And I didn't realize it until I came back.

But this isn't where I belong, not right now. I know that I'm supposed to be in Vancouver for the next little while. And when I'm home, I have a peace that what I am doing is right.

This break has been a great time to refocus myself. To stop going full throttle, and take some time back to spend with myself. To read and write, to reflect, and to simply enjoy where I am. I feel like this trip has given me the rest that I've needed since November.

And so I'll be going back to Vancouver reluctantly, but knowing that it's the right thing to do. And when you know that you're doing what God wants you to do, it makes it a bit easier somehow.

posted by Lisa @ 4:28 PM

So, where have I been lately?

I've been over playing around with Facebook. I can't believe how much fun that site is - I much prefer it over myspace. I've actually had to make a rule that I'm not allowed to go on the computer less than an hour before bedtime, because I always end up wasting two or three hours doing virtually nothing.

So Wednesday I'm off to England again. I'm supposed to have cleaned my room by now. I've been putting it off since last week. I was planning to do it tonight, but here I am - and I have to get up tomorrow, so I'll probably end up doing a mild tidy tomorrow. It's not as messy as it looks, really.

I checked the weather forecast for both Barcelona and Manchester tonight. I must be insane to go at this time of the year. Manchester has a high temperature of 4C. You know, the kind of weather we've just managed to put behind us. It's going to be increadibly dreary and wet, but I knew that when I decided to go. I must really love that place a lot to visit at the worst possible time of year.

On the plus side, the plane tickets were cheap.

So I'll not be updating for a bit. Wish me a good time - and I'll see you all on the 21st!

posted by Lisa @ 11:50 PM

So, where have I been lately?

I've been over playing around with Facebook. I can't believe how much fun that site is - I much prefer it over myspace. I've actually had to make a rule that I'm not allowed to go on the computer less than an hour before bedtime, because I always end up wasting two or three hours doing virtually nothing.

So Wednesday I'm off to England again. I'm supposed to have cleaned my room by now. I've been putting it off since last week. I was planning to do it tonight, but here I am - and I have to get up tomorrow, so I'll probably end up doing a mild tidy tomorrow. It's not as messy as it looks, really.

I checked the weather forecast for both Barcelona and Manchester tonight. I must be insane to go at this time of the year. Manchester has a high temperature of 4C. You know, the kind of weather we've just managed to put behind us. On the plus side, the plane tickets were cheap.

So I'll not be updating for a bit. Wish me a good time - and I'll see you all on the 21st!

posted by Lisa @ 11:50 PM