I shouldn't be allowed on the computer at night. I just end up wasting time reading old blog posts, or spending time on the Colplay message boards. And you know what doesn't happen? Me going to bed.
I'm going now.
Reading some of my old posts reminds me of how much I've gone through within the past little while. I went back to
Stanley and I must say that it's remarkable how much I've changed. It wasn't too long ago that every post had something relating to Doug in it.
It's interesting how people come and go in our lives. At one point one person can mean everything to you, and then the next they're just a memory. The person that used to be your world is now of no more importance than anyone else. Before you know it your special person is miles away from you and you're looking back at them in the distance, saying 'how did that happen?'.
It's funny how things change. Regrettable, even. But sometimes there's nothing you can do. You can hold on to them with everything you've got, but if they're running in the opposite direction - well, it just won't make a difference.
Since when did change mean giving something, or someone, up?
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Plane tickets have been bought.
I leave for Manchester on February 7th, and I go back home on the 21st. I'm just waiting on some information to buy my tickets to Barcelona.
I'm already day dreaming about going. I know it's going to cost me a lot of money, but it will be so worth it. Not having to pay for accomodation will help, and I'm sure people will treat me to drinks all the time...
Check out
this test. It's only four questions, and the results are fun.
I'm enjoying the new Justin Timberlake song. Great dancing song.
Five months till February!
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Well, my defferal for this year of school has gone through successfully. I will be starting next year - officially.
Words cannot express how unbelievably excited I am at the prospect of going to school. I'm already thinking about book bags and transportation and going out with my friends for lunch. But the reality is that I've got a long year ahead of me before that happens. Lots of money to be saved.
But at this moment, all I'm thinking about is spending it. I've decided that I'm heading to Barcelona/England with my friends from Manchester in February. I'm about a day away from buying my tickets. I know that this will be quite expensive, but as my mom put it: "if you want to go, go. You'll regret it if you don't". And I would. So I'm going.
I want to go back for longer than two weeks, which will not come as a surprise to any of you. But I've come to the realization that I have an intense fear of being forgotten. It's similar to the feeling I expirienced when Doug and I broke up - all the sudden I was reduced in status to just an "ex-girlfriend". To no longer be a part of my friends life is hard to accept. I'll just have to deal with the fact that things have changed. Life goes on without me.
Someone did tell me before I left that there would be a "big, Lisa-shaped hole" in his schedule and message inbox. I just wish that the hole was big enough to warrent an email.
I'll continue to send emails and wait on replies from the people that were closest to me. And in the meantime I'll reminice about when it took more than an unread email to overlook me.
I love and miss you more than words can tell.
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Life is a rollar coaster, is it not?
I feel great tonight. I've gone to church, and joined a discipleship group - one that meets at the very perfect time, and with people my age. I can't start it until my leadership seminar is done (nine weeks), but once that's over I'm away to the races.
I also bought myself a sweater and a tank top, and had a great day at work. Today I learned a lot about luggage (Tumi specifically). It's great, because now I feel way more confident with some of the stuff that I'm selling. And I didn't realize that it's actually very interesting. For example, did you know that Tumi bags use Boeing 747 steel for their handles? Or that their fabric is only a short step down from bullet proof? I didn't. But I do now.
I also had curly hair today. And when that goes properly, it's always fun.
Yesterday I got a call from my friend Lawrence. We chatted for a while about various things, everything from books to terrorism. He managed to cheer me up a lot, just as a friend should do. It's great to know that you're not alone.
And in saying that, I know that in actuality I have lots of friends. The last few entries (and any others in the future) are not meant to be a dig on anyone reading this blog. Sometimes we just feel certain things, whether rational or irrational.
Hugs to all...
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I go check my first email. No new messages. I go check my second. The same.
I know I've emailed at least three people and not gotten responses. Just hellos and how are yous and such, nothing important. I don't really feel rejected, because I know people are busy - but it's still nice to hear from people.
I talked to mom about dad leaving, and she more or less quelled my fears about her and dad having problems. She said that people who have been married 27 years don't just break up - and that if they were having problems dad would come back and work on them because his family is more important than any job. So that's good enough for me. I still can't help but feel weird when I think about only seeing my dad on weekends (or less).
He leaves tomorrow. He says he doesn't know when he'll be back, but that he's hoping for Thanksgiving. I guess it's something to look forward to.
Everytime I think about him leaving I tear up, and then think about something else. I've never been faced with this situation before, and I'm not entirely sure how to deal with it.
Does thinking about something else instead of focusing on my problems mean that I'm unwilling to face my fears? Am I a coward because whenever the going gets tough I daydream about being back in England, away from this mess?
I need to be out of here. And by here I mean this stage of life. I need something besides tae kwon do that can make me happy - because right now, everything else just isn't cutting it.
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Dad's got a new job. He is now a very important and powerful man in the government. The only problem is that the job is in Ottawa. He's going to be commuting, every single week. He's supposed to come back for weekends, but I don't think that that's going to happen all the time. His schedule is extremely irregular and constantly fluxuating - how can he come home when he can be called to another part of the country on important business in a heartbeat?
I've just come across some photos that were taken with me at the airport, saying goodbye to mom and dad and leaving for England. Looking at those photos, it's amazing how clearly I remember the moments that they were taken. I remember hugging mom and crying. I remember standing next to dad for a picture and not being able to smile. I remember walking through the doors, finding my gate, and sobbing. I remember saying goodbye.
My life has been full of goodbyes. And I hate them.
Now that I've come home, I can't bear the thought that my dad won't be around. In England it was fine, because my parents weren't a part of my life there. But here at home there are ways that things are supposed to be. Us being here and him being in Ottowa is not one of those ways. He's supposed to be here, with us.
Dad got home on Wednesday. He starts his job on Monday.
I don't want to think about all the things that aren't going to happen. Who's going to bring home our Christmas tree? Will it just be mom and I decorating it? There will be no seasons pass to Grouse, no weekends at Whistler. How will things change? Will we drift apart? Will he still be the same person when he comes home?
I love my dad so much.
Tonight at dinner dad joked about leaving mom. I know it was a joke, but I hate to admit that it's one of my fears. How can a marriage stay strong when one of them is across the country? In my heart of hearts I don't believe that that will happen, but something someone said to me gnaws at the corner of my mind - she thought her parents would stay together forever too.
I can't let myself think about it. My family is all that I have.
Somehow, somehow, it will be ok.
It just doesn't feel like it right now.
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I've uploaded a few pictures of Italy for you all. I haven't got any of Greece on my computer yet - it'll be a while longer for those.
Florence
Sienna
Venice
Verona
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All my phtots from Rome are gone.
Gone.
I put in the cd titled "Rome", and they're not on there. Everything after Rome is on there.
It's not on another cd. I checked. And it's not on that cd. They're just not there.
I remember them being burned. I remember watching them going onto the cd. I remember labelling it right after it was done.
That's the collesuem, the Vatican, St. Peter's Square, the Sistine Chapel...everything. I would have rather lost all the Greek Islands than lose Rome.
I don't understand. They were on that cd. I remember doing it.
I loved Rome. Over time I'm going to forget my memories. I've got absolutely nothing to remember it by.
I'm unbelievabley upset. What a waste. What an unbelievable, stupid waste. And I may never go back there in my life.
Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it damn it.
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Today is one of those days.
You know them - the ones that just don't want to allow you to do anything productive.
Today is the first day off since I began work this week. I slept in, got up, read my book, had some food, and watched tv. Now I'm sitting at the computer listening to the new John Mayer album thinking about how I've got to get going, or I'll be late.
Sure, I could have spent time on my room (which is still a pigsty). I could have called Vanessa like I intended to do. I could have taken out the dog, I could have done some research on which laptop to buy - But for some reason I didn't.
It's on these days that it takes extra effort just to do my normal routine. To get up, have a shower, put on makeup and do my hair. I just don't want to.
Unfortunately, life moves regardless of if I do.
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I saw
Little Miss Sunshine tonight.
I went to the movies with a friend, and we weren't sure exactly what was playing. I had remembered seeing a good review about this movie in an Opera magazine not too long ago, so we thought we'd give it a shot.
The first observation was that one of the main characters (named Dwayne) bore a striking resemblance to Doug. He had the same hair, wore the same kind of pants, and had the same body type. Their faces weren't similar at all, but it was still weird.
Anyways, it was absolutely brilliant. The best movie that I've seen in years. I honestly don't think I have ever laughed that hard at a movie in my entire life. And it wasn't just me; roars of laughter would fill the entire theatre regularily.
It was a dark comedy - one that had very serious undertones. It portrayed an extremely disfunctional family, and will most likely strike a chord with everyone who watches it in some way. Yet somehow, even in the most serious of scenes, it manages to make you laugh - and not just a giggle .
The movie felt worthwhile to see. It wasn't just a movie that was fun to watch (and truthfully it was more painful than amusing at parts). There was a lot more to the movie than good writing. It's a commentary on society, families, parenting, dreams, drugs - you name it, and it probably made it in there.
So if you can handle a bit of swearing and are over 18, go see it.
On another note, I'm leaning towards a MacBook over a MacBook Pro. The MBP seems to be a lot of extravegence that I really just don't need. Only drawback seems to be that the MB doesn't come with a cd burner.
And I am confined to my glasses for a week with an eye infection in both eyes and a scratched cornea in my left. Don't know how it happened, exactly. But my glasses have already gotten in the way; I got smashed in the eye with a double stick today at tae kwon do. I still don't really understand how it happened. I suppose I should be thankful, though, because otherwise I would have a black eye instead of mishapen glasses.
And that's that.
Go see the movie. Do it now.
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So.
I'm getting my hair done on Tuesday.
I don't know what I want. I've got my hair all one colour at the moment, and was planning on keeping it that way - but then I saw mom's, which is a copy of my old hair, and think that I may want to go back.
I haven't had blonde in my hair in ages. Maybe I should put some highlights back in? But once you put blonde in, it takes ages to get it out. That being said, I'm getting a bit sick of dark hair. I've had it this way for, oh, I don't know, maybe a bit over a year? On the other hand, though, my hair grows very fast and needs touching up every month or so because of the regrowth.
And the length - well, that's another dilemma. I need to get at least a half inch of split ends cut off, but I'm not sure if I should go shorter. I look find with short hair, but I've been intending to grow it out for quite some time (so I can wear it wavy without it looking like a puff ball). I think I've been this length for about four years. And then the hairdresser in Manchester cut it all off again, which wasn't appreciated.
Maybe it's just the cut. I'm sick of it. I can't seem to escape it.
I would ask you all what you think, but I know that none of you care in the least.
But aren't you all happy that I can take time out of missing Manchester to worry about the various, superficial things that don't matter in the least?
Now, back to the issues that really matter...
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Well, I'm home now.
I had a great last week in England. One of the best of my entire trip. My goodbye party was a great sucess with about 14 people for the meal (more wanted to come but couldn't for one reason or another) and 3 or 4 more joining us for drinks after.
My last night in England was spent with Chris. Pretty much the exact way we started out.
As I flew into Vancouver I couldn't help but notice how completely different the city looks compared with Manchester. I guess it's only appropriate, as I have a feeling that much is going to be different in my life from here on out.
And how do I feel now? Completely rubbish. I hesitate to say homesick, because technically I
am home, but it's the equivilent of that. It's worse than when I left, because at least in England everything was new and exciting. Here, nothing has changed.
I suppose I should take comfort in that fact. Everything is the same, and with familiarity we find comfort, no? However I've been gone so long that it doesn't feel familliar anymore. All the people that I've come to love so much and consider a part of my everyday life are gone. They're on the other side of the Atlantic, eight hours in the future. To me, Vancouver doesn't feel normal.
I'm trying to occupy myself with things to do, but I don't know what. I feel like I want to do everything, but I also want to do nothing. I don't quite understand what I need to do to make myself feel better. Going into downtown Vancouver might help. Whenever I had nothing to do in Manchester I would hop on a bus into the city center and walk around. As much as I hate Market Street, I would love to be there right now.
I don't have an appitite, I'm feeling light headed, and I'm constantly close to tears. Only 2 out of 3 of my bags made it back to with me - the one with all my bathroom stuff (contacts, makeup, shampoo, etc.) was lost with the airline. Fantastic.
I want to go back. Manchester, I miss you.
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