I stay up late reading them.
I've got a whole file of them from an old friend, one who seems quite different now. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but situations change. People change. When I talk to him he feels heavy, weathered. He's got a lot on his plate, and I understand that - but I feel like we're strangers.
He was such a huge part of my life. To not know him anymore, for him to only be a memory - I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to accept it. I would give anything for it to go back to the way it used to be. But it's simply not possible.
I never thought that this would happen.
A part of me still wonders - if circumstances were different, if I met you at a different point in life, what kind of relationship would we have? What would have been the outcome?
My life changed when I met you.
I'm wondering if I should delete the emails. I don't think it's healthy for me to go back and reminice about things that will never again exist. I transport myself into another world. I wonder if too much daydreaming is a hindrance to getting on with life, an impediment on my happiness. My situation in Vancouver isn't ideal, but right now I can't change it - I should be looking for the good in what I've got, rather than wishing I had more.
Grasping at memories won't bring anything back.
I remember when every email was sent. I remember the circumstances, I remember sentances that meant more to me than others. I remember how much each one meant to me.
I've got to get over this, I've got to move on. But I don't know how to turn off my emotions, I don't know how to change the way I feel. Letting someone go hurts so much - it's the end of an era, the end of a dream.
I'm not ready for it.
posted by Lisa @ 12:35 AM
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